


Daniel's Hell

by RoczaDeb



Series: RoczaDeb Humor [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23884921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoczaDeb/pseuds/RoczaDeb
Summary: A large, flying carnivore traps the team in a cave.
Series: RoczaDeb Humor [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141430
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14
Collections: Humor





	Daniel's Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: I had to. I couldn't stop myself.  
> 2/2/2021 - Minor edit updates. No story changes.

SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG

Jack eyed the new planet carefully. The Stargate was located in a small clearing surrounded by open forest. The clearing was situated on a gentle slope and the countryside appeared to be gently rolling hills. For once, the temperature was perfect.

"Nice," Jack whispered aloud. After completing his survey of the area and with no apparent threat visible, he turned to his team, "Welcome, to planet P3X-Déjà vu. This version of a tree-infested planet appears to lack both the hostile natives and the hostile weather. Daniel, send the MALP home."

"O'Neill," Teal'c stated to get Jack's attention. "There appear to be large life forms in the distance." Teal'c pointed towards another clearing a short distance downhill from the Stargate. Just visible were several large quadrupeds.

Jack watched them carefully for several minutes. The animals seemed to be grazing in a lazy manner. "They look like this planet's version of a cow. But let's stay clear anyway. OK, Carter, which way?"

Sam pointed uphill and started in that direction taking point. Jack and Daniel followed with Teal'c bringing up the rear.

SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG

Over the next hour, samples were taken and carefully packed away. Jack was bored. Normally, this would cause him to start tormenting Daniel or Sam, but twice now Jack had heard singing. And not just any singing, but bubblegum rock. This had led him to believe that his over-active imagination was making it up.

"Boo bop a loo bop boo ba loop,"

The team froze. "Did you hear that?" Jack asked as he tried to find the source.

"Yeah," Daniel replied, scanning the surrounding trees.

A large shadow passed over head, "bob aloo bop."

"Bird?" Sam asked.

"Big bird. It looks like it is headed towards the cow-things," Jack stated. "Let's keep going, but watch the sky."

SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG

In the next hour, the team had to take cover from the flying creatures several times. The trees provided the perfect cover, but blocked them from getting a good look at the beast. They were currently collecting the last of the samples on an open rock-face a few kilometers from the Stargate. They found that the area was peppered with small caves and littered with raw ore. A perfect mining site if the samples came back rich.

As Sam packed up the last of her samples, the team heard another one of the creatures flying close by.

"Well, this is getting old," she sighed.

"Hey, we might get a good look at it this time," Daniel pointed out excitedly.

The team took shelter in one of the small caves just as the creature flew over the clearing. "Boop aloo boom," it cried out just before it landed in the clearing in front of the cave.

"Whoa," Jack said as he got his first good look at it.

The creature was as large as horse. Black leathery bat wings were folded against its back. It's body was covered in a thick purplish fur. It had a long flexible tail tipped with short spikes. It walked on four legs. Each one tipped with sharp claws. It's head had an ape-like face with two short horns protruding from either side of the face. This particular creature had lost an eye and one of its horns in a fight. Jagged scars crossed its face gave it a perpetual scowl.

"Wow, it looks just like the Persian descriptions of a manticore," Daniel started telling the other with excitement.

Daniel dropped his pack to the cave floor and pulled out his camera and tripod. As he started to film the beast, it sat back on its haunches and called out, "Bob aloo bop, bob aloo bop, bob aloo bop."

Jack grinned, "That appears to be its hunting call."

"Tell me about the manticore, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c asked politely.

Daniel carefully framed the creature in the camera and began relaying the information. "Well, Teal'c, I don't really know too much. It is a legendary Persian creature that is supposed to have the head of a man with horns, the body of a lion, and the tail of a dragon or a scorpion. Its name means 'man-eater.' From the Persian words _'martya'_ meaning 'man' or 'people' and _'xwar'_ meaning 'to eat'…"

Jack snorted, interrupting Daniel, "Sorry, don't mind me." Jack stared back out at the creature and started humming.

Daniel gave him a long dirty look before continuing, "The name was corrupted by the Greeks to _'mantikhoras,'_ and then by the Romans as _'mantichora,'_ Today, we get the English term _'manticore.'_ In legend, it is believed to kill instantly with a bite or scratch. It eats its victims completely, bones and all…" Daniel stopped again as Jack's humming grew louder. "Is there something you'd like to share, Jack?"

"No… Yes… why not…" Jack grinned, "So, Daniel, you're telling me that we are trapped in a cave… by a one-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple people eater?"

"A one-eyed, one-horned… Oh, no," Daniel glared at him.

Sam snorted and started giggling, "Sorry, Daniel." Sam gave him an apologetic look before adding, "but it sure looks strange to me."

That set both Jack and Sam off and they laughed until tears were coming out of their eyes.

"Daniel Jackson, I do not understand what is so humorous about our situation," Teal’c said stoically.

Daniel sighed, "It's a song, Teal'c, about a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater." Daniel ground his teeth as his comment started Sam giggling again.

"The Tau'ri have encountered this creature before?" Teal'c asked.

"Not really, no…" Daniel stopped just as Jack and Sam started singing.

"Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky,

It had one long horn, one big eye.

I commenced to shakin' and I said 'ooh-eee'

It looks like a purple people eater to me."

Daniel groaned, "I always hated that song."

SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG-SG

For the next half hour, Daniel was convinced that he was in hell. Netu was more fun. Jack and Sam had eventually stopped singing only to start an in-depth discussion about Sheb Wooley's Purple People Eater, the 1998 film monster, and the creature currently stalking back and forth outside their cave. He finally cracked when Jack named the creature Pepe, because purple people eater (PPE) was a mouthful.

"That's it. I am so out of here," Daniel grabbed his camera and repacked it carefully, before gearing up, zat at the ready, and storming out to attack the creature.

The rest of the team scrambled to catch up. The creature, startled by Daniel's assault, flew away without a fight. Daniel waited long enough to ensure his team was with him before blazing a trail back to the gate.

They hiked back to the Stargate in silence. Once at the gate, Daniel dialed Earth and waited as Jack sent the iris code. Once back at the SGC, Daniel took a deep cleansing breath.

"Welcome back, SG-1," General Hammond's voice echoed through the gate-room. "You're a half hour late, what kept you?"

Daniel groaned.

Sam giggled.

Teal'c cracked a small smile.

Jack grinned as he replied, "It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater."

General Hammond frowned in the Control Room, "a one-eyed… one-horned… flying purple people eater?"

"Yes, sir, a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater."

As one, Teal'c and Sam added, "Sure looked strange to me."

General Hammond looked at Daniel, "Are they alright, Dr Jackson?"

"Unfortunately, yes, they are," Daniel replied.

Jack's grin widened. "Don't worry, sir. Daniel took pictures of Pepe."

"Pepe?" General Hammond asked with hesitation in his voice.

"Yes, sir, Pepe, the Purple People Eater," Jack replied with a jaunty grin.

"Right… Debrief in one hour. And, Colonel… tell Dr Frasier to do a full work up," General Hammond said seriously.

"Yes, sir," Jack replied, undaunted. As he turned to walk to the infirmary, he started humming.

END

**Author's Note:**

> Work Title: Daniel’s Hell  
> Summary: A large, flying carnivore traps the team in a cave  
> Author: RoczaDeb  
> Sequel Information: None  
> Rating: General (G)  
> Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply  
> Fandom: Stargate SG-1: Season 3 or later  
> Spoilers: None  
> Relationship Categories: Gen  
> Pairing: None  
> Characters: Jack O’Neill, Samantha ‘Sam’ Carter, Daniel Jackson, Teal’c, George Hammond,  
> Additional Tags: Humor
> 
> End Notes:  
> Soundtrack:  
> -The Purple People Eater by Sheb Wooley
> 
> Well, I saw the thing comin' out of the sky,  
> It had the one long horn, one big eye,  
> I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee",  
> It looks like a purple eater to me,  
> It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater,
> 
> (One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater),  
> A one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater,  
> Sure looks strange to me (one eye?),
> 
> Well he came down to earth and he lit in a tree,  
> I said Mr. Purple People Eater, don't eat me,  
> I heard him say in a voice so gruff,  
> "I wouldn't eat you 'cause you're so tough",
> 
> It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater,  
> One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater,  
> One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater,  
> Sure looks strange to me (one horn?),
> 
> I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your…


End file.
